101 Christmas Jokes

Mrs Oppenheimer decided to get away from the often inclement weather of New York and spend Christmas in the deep South of the USA. Being unfamiliar with that part of the world she wandered into a ‘restricted’ hotel and said ‘Hi. I’m Mrs Oppenheimer and I’d like a room for the next week.’ ‘I’m very sorry,’ said the manager, but all our rooms are taken. Just as he said that a customer came to the desk and unexpectedly checked out. ‘How lucky’ responded Mrs Oppenheimer, ‘Now you have a room for me.’ ‘Look, I’m very sorry’ said the manager, but this is a restricted hotel. Jews are not allowed here. ‘Jewish! Whaddya mean Jewish. I happen to be a Catholic.’ ‘That takes some believing’ said the manager. Tell me, who was the Son of God?’ ‘Jesus.’ she replied ‘Where was he born?’ ‘In a stable in Bethleham….. simply because some Schmuck like you wouldn’t rent a room to a Jew.’

For Christmas this year my wife purchased a week of private lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it. I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started.

The club suggested I keep an “exercise diary” to chart my progress.

Day 1. Started the morning at 6:00 AM. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She’s something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about ten points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her. This is going to be GREAT!

Day 2. Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it. Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she put weights on it for heaven’s sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it all worth while. Muscles ALL feel GREAT.

Day 3. The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am certain that I have developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn’t try to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the other club members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate
an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise would make me live longer. I can’t imagine anything worse.

Day 4. Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I can’t help it if I was half an hour late, it took me that long just to tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word “dumb” must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men’s room until she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me try the rowing machine. It sank.

Day 5. I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body not in extreme pain I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a good idea to work on my triceps. Well I have news for you Tanya - I don’t have triceps. And if you don’t want dents in the floor don’t hand me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage, YOU went to sadist school, YOU are to blame. The treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like a music teacher, or social studies professor?

Day 6. Got Tanya’s message on my answering machine wondering where I was. I lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight hours of the weather channel.

Day 7. Well, that’s the week. Thank goodness that’s over. Maybe next time my wife will give me something a little more fun, like a gift certificate for a root canal.

‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house
how the tinsel was scattered! and twigs by the thous-
and. The stockings were hung by the chimney with care-
They were skewered with ten-penny nails, to be fair.
The children, God bless them, were snug in their beds,
With clothesline to anchor the ankles and heads.

The Wife in her housecoat, and I clad alike,
Had gone to cellar to get the new bike,
When from a dark corner arose such a clatter
I felt a strong urge to forget the whole matter.

The wife said go over and open the door;
I grabbed a stout cudgel and crept ‘cross the floor
And gingerly peered through the glass to behold
A wee red-suited man, turning blue with cold.
Suppressing my dire thoughts of a communist trick,
I flung wide the portal, admitting….. St. Nick!

Poor Santa came in stamping snow from his feet
And cursing cold weather and all central heat.
“Your chimney’s too small for a man of my girth”—
Which shows what the power of tradition is worth.

I asked him to stay, as the perfect host ought,
And my gimlet eyes gleamed at the parcels he brought.
Upstairs in the kitchen, hot toddy in hand,
Old Santa had both of us folks understand

That the new station wagon he’d purchased this year
To replace his eight quaint reindeer
was the poorest investment he ever had chosen–
It stalled by our house the engine plumb frozen.

My wife asked him then if the high cost of living,
Had interfered much with the job of gift-giving.
“I’ll say so,” quoth he. “Why, a plain roller skate is
costing me
$40.98;
And the cheapest new belt, since inflation intruded,
Costs $11.27, all taxes included;
My labor is raising all manor of hob–
In fact, this here Christmas is too big a job.”

He talked a while longer, but then had to go
When a wrecker from town came to give him a tow.
He left a tin whistle for Joey, our son,
And a watch for Matilda–I bet it won’t run;

For the Wife, a new apron that makes her flesh crawl,
And a tie for yours truly completed our haul.
But I heard him exclaim, as he rolled out of sight,
“The blazes with Christmas–Tarnation is right!”